Tabloid Tales

Naturally, most of the tabloids out there focused on 3 big local entertainment stories this past fortnight, i.e.: Aziz M Osman’s divorce, the alleged assault by a 47-year-old famous singer on his 25-year-old wife and the accusation by a teenage boy that our own Raja Gelek M. Daud Kilau had sodomised him.

Mingguan Warta Perdana had the latter barring all, denying that the 19-year-old boy was his personal assistant and that he had been robbed by the boy, and the accusation came after a police report had been lodged. So who exactly is the boy to Dato Daud? “I got to know the boy about 7 months ago after bumping into him at a shopping mall,” he was quoted as saying.

Police are still investigating the case so I shall refrain from saying anything more. Although I do question the tabloid’s placement of the piece “Homoseksual punca AIDS” (“homosexuality causes AIDS”), next to the poor Dato’s profile.

m.zulkifli

And here’s another publication making its debut in this column, Getaran Jiwa…

Priced at RM2.80, GJ is filled with the usual I-spotted-a-ghost features, relationship stories and sensational exposes (with plenty of interesting “gambar hiasan”).




The headline of the fortnight is again courtesy of Mingguan Warga Kota…

m.zulkifli

Loosely translated: “Single girls prefer jelly guys”. Softies, in other words. And here’s the most sensational part: apparently, gals out there – especially undergrads – are into these softies not because they’re romantic, and know their way to a woman’s heart, but for their sexual prowess.

According to this report, a number of these super softies are actually getting paid for their "services" and the money’s used to fund their studies. “Mereka menawarkan harga paling rendah untuk pelajar seperti kami,” confessed one satisfied customer. While another was quoted as saying, “Mereka bijak mencari ‘suis’ untuk memuaskan kami.” (“They’re smart enough to find the right ‘switch’ to satisfy us”).

m.zulkifli

Not sure if these softies are vocational students...

Tabloid Tales (every fortnight)

Here’s one I’ve never seen before, ohh…Sayang. Selling at RM2, it’s filled with the usual tales of the midly famous, the undead, and the unheard of.

The most interesting goss, however, involves this female personality who’s been in the news before for fighting at a nightspot. The latest, this firecracker was spotted drinking with a few friends and making obscene gestures at fellow patrons. Lindsay Lohan is now based in Malaysia??

Another interesting piece here is the 14 tips to look more beautiful for the ladies. Some of the tips include drinking more water, exercise, sleeping well, pampering yourself by going to the spa, and taking part in gotong royongs. Yes ladies, after doing your facials and manicures, make sure you volunteer to clean up your neighbour’s drains. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

But here’s a tip you could really use, especially those who are constantly bothered by pesky hantu rayas. According to Antagonis, all you need is a couple of rotten goose eggs, recite a few hocus pocus verses and even the likes of Valdermot won’t even dream about getting close to you. If only Harry knew this…

And here’s the headline of the fortnight…


Loosely translated, it means, “Powerful spinsters bring happiness”. But guys, before you think there’s a complete guide on where to find these powerful spinsters, I’ll have to bring you back down to earth and tell you that the article itself is a rip-off, and a mere advertorial for some women’s products. Boo! Hiss!

Tabloid Tales : Starring ghouls, minxes and horses

I’m kicking off this edition with some excellent news from Mingguan Warta Perdana. The folks in Pantai Remis, Perak can sleep better now cos the goblin that’s been haunting them has been caught by Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Ha ha! Not really. Buffy’s been off air for a few years already, so there’s no way she could have done this.

Anyway, it was a slightly unsexier pawang who caught the little rascal which has now been placed in a mayonnaise jar (I’m guessing here). The excellent-er news? You can catch a glimpse of this “jembalang”, and a host of other weird beings (politicians not included, though) at an exhibition in Central Market.

And here’s the headline of the fortnight courtesy of Mingguan Warga Kota…

I'm speechless, really. But I have to say that this particular issue is packed with the best kind of sleaze you can imagine. From reports of female undergrads providing “khidmat power”(powerful service?), to transvestites using black magic to lure married men into their bed, this is the kind of read that will leave you wondering, “How come I’m not getting any action myself?” Kidding!

And while an English newspaper was suspended (ahem) for merely mentioning Malaysians’ favourite positions in the sack (which we’re all well aware of, right?), this tabloid actually describes in great detail how to execute the Top 3 positions, “Gaya Kepiting”, “Dok-al-Arz” and the imaginatively-named “Gaya Kuda” (Horse Style). A must-read indeed for those who still don’t quite know how to make the best of certain “spots” and “zones”.

If that’s not enough, Bacaria has 14 more tips specially researched for the ladies by one Diva Lady Armani.

Pick of the tips? Avoid touching the weak spots on your hubby’s body, ladies. Instead, focus on other parts such as “dada, puting atau lengannya yang sasa.” (chest, nipples or his bulging biceps)

Guys, get cracking on those bicep curls already…

Tabloid Tales (every fortnight)

Welcome to this brand spanking new column where I put the trash out for your general amusement.

And what better way to kick things off than a bit on the King of Kulai himself, Mawi. A mere kapchai owner a couple of years back, the dude now has a fleet of cars, including a Kia Optima and a Naza Sorento, at his disposal. The only hitch? He’s got no driver’s license!



Well folks, we can all stop losing sleep over it now cos according to Mingguan Perdana, Mawi is getting his driver’s license any day now. And the move has drawn a positive reaction from JPJ itself, although it came with a warning: “If the dude drives without a license anyway, we’re gonna make him sing at our annual dinner. For the next 10 years.” I’m kidding, of course.

Now, here’s some great news for those into headless Japanese soldiers! According to Mingguan Misteri, folks from a kampung in Bahau, Negri Sembilan have had various encounters with Mr Yamatakmatilagi. Even more chilling is the fact that this particular soldier can assume various forms (ala the bad Terminators in those Arnie movies) including the run-of-the-mill lembaga hitam (yawn) and, believe it or not, a hot babe. But no, it wasn’t Maya Karin, ok?


And here’s the headline of the fortnight…


Yup. In big, bold font is the word ‘coli’. Right there on the front-page. No prizes for guessing what the story’s all about. But here’s the latest twist on Linda Onn-gate as exposed by Bacaria.

Apparently, the reason she refused to wear that controversial skin colour Kebaya was because she only brought pink and black bras (ahem), and those wouldn’t match well with the dress.

And we all know how hard it is to find a pair of new bras in Hollywood, don’t we?